Have you ever spent hours cleaning your house only to sit down, look around and feel like it's still messy? I've been there. Over the last decade, I've collected unnecessary things that I put away in hopes of using it sometime in the future. I'm naturally a great organizer and keep my space very clean so I justified my hoarding habits by keeping it very organized and spotless. A place for everything and everything in its place was my motto, even though 99% of those things didn't need to be there in the first place. I developed a real fear of letting things go and then one day needing that specific item and not having it. Having my closet, drawers, cabinets and storage full of things that I may or may not need, gave me a sense of security and false happiness that, at that time, I wasn't finding anywhere else. I figured no matter what else happens in life, at least I have all of my belongings. Little did I know, hoarding all of these things was actually having a complete negative impact on my mental health. As the years went by, I developed really bad anxiety and a constant feeling of needing to tidy up. Lots of other factors played into the development of the anxiety but it wasn't until I started letting go of useless items, that my head started to feel clear. I remember being in my apartment and feeling so overwhelmed with everything around me. Our spare bedroom was turned into my closet/beauty room. I had shoes lined up on shelves from the floor to the ceiling. Clothes hung up on an entire wall where I built my own clothes rack. I had two Ikea Alex Drawers filled with makeup. Each wall and corner was filled with items I've collected over the years. It was starting to suffocate me. I owned so much clothes but each time I went to get dressed, I'd get frustrated because I didn't like anything. I had so much makeup but yet did the same look everyday. Why was I hoarding all of this stuff? Why did I have 10 pairs of shades and never wear shades? At that time I was really into social media and YouTube and enjoyed watching the beauty gurus. I told myself I needed all of these things in order to keep up with them and in turn I'd be happy and successful like they are. Later, I'd come to realize this was the furthest thing from reality. It was 5 years ago that I did my first declutter. Discovering minimalist articles on Pinterest led to this. I'd read and watch how people lived these beautiful simple lives but I was convinced that could never be me because my worth was attached to what I owned. At the same time I was discovering spirituality and meditation. I'd go meditate on the beach and feel free and at peace. Then I would come home to a cluttered apartment and get right back to feeling anxious. I battled with this for a long time. Deep down in my core I wanted my life to be simple but yet the social pressure masked that and made my life complex. One day as I was getting dressed, I was trying on a pair of shoes that didn't even fit me. They were designer so they looked good in my collection. That's the day I realized I needed to do something. That weekend I did my first "declutter" and got rid of 3 pairs of shoes. Looking back, 3 pairs may not seem significant but when I tell you my apartment was packed with stuff AND I had a storage to keep all of my extra things, 3 was a big number for me. I owned a kids foldable table and kids toys but didn't even have kids around me. I had a justified reason for each item. I've had this purse since highschool, so I have to keep it. I got this item for half the price, so I must keep it. I'd go to stores and find all types of "goodies" and just store it away for future use.
We were planning to buy a house soon so I was very excited about having more space because more space meant more stuff. Months had passed of me battling anxiety and juggling all of my belongings, holding on to them for dear life when they were taking life away from me. I decided to do another declutter. This time I got rid of 57 mini hotel shampoo bottles. How did I get to the point of owning 57 mini hotel shampoo bottles when I hardly even travel? This was hard to depart from. What if one day I need a mini shampoo bottle? I forced myself to let it go. A couple months later my parents were moving and were getting rid of their storage unit where I kept most of my extra things. This was my first big declutter. I'd say I got rid of about 30 items at that time. Having done a "declutter" a couple times now, I was slowly but surely starting to be okay with parting with certain things. Over the next few months I really dove into learning all about using natural products for household cleaning as well as hygiene needs. Now I found myself in a dilemma. I owned over 120 products of shampoos, lotions, sprays, face masks, hair care items, I mean, you name it, I had it. I had 9 small shelves put up in my bathroom from floor to ceiling, each shelf was packed from left to right. 99% of these items contained a ton of toxic chemicals. How do I keep these items but still go toxic free? I tried to find ways to justify it but it just didn't work. It took me years to collect all of these items and now I'm supposed to just throw it away? That didn't sit right with me. Even if I don't use them, I just want them to stay there so I can look at them. They make me happy. These are things I told myself. For months they stayed there without me ever touching them. More is more. I needed doubles and triples of everything. I needed bigger and better. It was never enough. I was trying to fill an unfillable void with all these material possessions. The more money we had, the more things we owned. Everything was excessive. I needed a new outfit for every event. I needed the newest and the best. Subconsciously, I drowned myself with material things and excessive spending and told myself lies of how this is what made me happy.
It wasn't until I started to pack everything so we could move into our new home that I realized I had a real problem. 45 pairs of jeans. 60 pairs of shoes. 45 purses. A 7 drawer lingerie chest full of costume jewelry and hair accessories. Enough jackets and sweaters to clothe everyone in China. I live in Florida so I might wear a sweater twice a year. Boxes full of old cables. Enough kitchen utensils and plates to literally fill a small restaurant. Decor. Don't even get me started on decor. I had enough house decor to fill 5 mansions. As I was packing everything up, I kept wondering how I got to this point. I was mad at myself for allowing these things to take over my life. I was also mad that I couldn't afford a moving company so I had to haul these heavy boxes filled with junk, up and down the stairs.
We moved into our house. Now we had a garage and about 2,000 more square feet than we had at our apartment. We put all of our boxes into our dining room. It filled the room from floor to ceiling. They stayed there for months. My cats enjoyed climbing them. I was stuck and couldn't decide what to do with all that stuff. I was starting to develop an itch to declutter but I wasn't letting myself give into it yet. I continued to meditate and search for peace. The more I dove into practicing spirituality and learning about Buddha, particularly his beliefs of not becoming attached to material things, the more I developed this strong feeling of wanting to get rid of things. I started with my clothes and shoes. I instantly got rid of 30 pairs of jeans and 20 pairs of shoes. I remember the numbers because I remember thinking 50 was a solid number. I found boxes with old decor and seasonal things. I was able to let go of most of it. It took me a few weeks to go through all of the boxes but by the end, I had 4 large garbage bags full of stuff. I started to feel proud of myself and at this point it was becoming exciting. I continued with my meditation and my pursuit of peace and happiness. I felt a craving for a simpler life. Up until now, I couldn't imagine a simple life because I felt that I needed more material things to keep me happy. But as I let the universe and my intuition guide me, I started to develop a want for a minimalistic life. I had decor all over the walls and in every corner. How could I possibly want to be minimalistic? Over the next two years I did multiple declutters and thought I was finished. My house had more than enough useless things, I still had enough kitchenware for a small restaurant but I had less clothes and less home decor so I felt better. I noticed as I got rid of things, my head started to clear up. Simultaneously, I started to do things that brought me real joy. I wasn't masking myself anymore with doing things that I thought I needed to do to be accepted into society. For once, I started to feel real peace and happiness. October 2020 I quit my job and stayed home for 6 months. I'm forever thankful for this time I got to spend with myself. I dove even further into all things natural and spirituality. Meditating became a daily practice. The more I meditated, the more I wanted to clear my head, the more I felt a burning desire to clear my living space. So I did a huge declutter. I went through each and every single cabinet, drawer, closet, nook and cranny. I had 14 large garbage bags full of things. I felt exhilarated. I wanted more. That month I found out I was pregnant and this is when the game really changed for me. I'd spend the next 4 months doing a weekly declutter. At times, I would declutter one area, come back in a couple weeks and declutter the same area again but this time I see things I didn't notice last time. By now, I had a complete mental transformation on how much stuff I wanted to own. I had no desire to own anything I do not use. I pushed and pushed for less and less. After I was done decluttering, I wanted more of less. I did a 30 day challenge where I got rid of one thing each day.
My shopping habits have completely transformed and I do not shop for fun. Infact, I don't enjoy going out to shop anymore. Before buying anything, I think it through and make sure the item I'm bringing in will serve a good purpose. Every item is mindfully brought into the house. I have absolutely no desire to buy any home decor. Just two years ago I was obsessed with Hobby Lobby. I still love Hobby Lobby. But now it's more for the hobby supplies. I have no desire to buy clothes and shoes, unless absolutely necessary. Today, I own 3 pairs of jeans and 15 pairs of shoes. I have 6 plates and no extra kitchenware. Each drawer and cabinet have only the absolute necessary items in it. My bathroom cabinets are nearly empty with the exception of toilet paper and mouthwash. I own 9 hygiene/haircare products. Every item I own serves a purpose and brings me real happiness this time around.
My mind has clarity. My house has space and empty walls. I no longer feel attached to things. Having that attachment has robbed me of joy, of freedom, and of happiness for decades. What I thought was making me happy, was actually doing the opposite. I always wanted more. Bigger. Better. I was never satisfied with the present. I lived in the future. I've come to realize this was the culprit of my anxiety. Today, I live in the moment. I enjoy the small things. The less I own, the happier I've become. Now I have more time to focus on things that matter. Things that truly make me happy. I no longer feel like the house is in a constant state of messiness. We have incorporated minimalism into the foods we eat, the company we keep, how we dress, how we go about our daily life. Quality over quantity.
Minimalism can look different for every individual. To some, it can mean a 500 square foot apartment with a capsule wardrobe. To others, it can mean a 5,000 square foot home with one outfit for each day of the month. To me, it's about having the right things but also not attaching my worth to those things. I owned so many wrong things for decades that brought me nothing but anxiety. Now I own things that bring me joy and excitement. I own gardening tools, paint supplies, musical instruments and a few farmhouse decor items. These things bring me joy. These things I can share with my family and we can all enjoy them. I'll probably never be someone who will want to live in an RV and own one cup, one fork and one spoon. (If this is you, honestly, I admire you.) But that's okay. I've reached a point in my journey where I no longer identify myself by the things I own. I no longer search for the material things that once gave me false happiness. I now search for experiences. For deeper connections with friends and family. For passion. For true love and true happiness. Finding those things without attaching it to material possessions. Living a simple debt free life with intention and mindfulness. That's what minimalism is to me.
Love,
Suzana 🌻
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