2010 I graduated high school and moved away for college at 19 years old. I spent the next 3 years studying and partying. I lived in a college town so you could attend a party pretty much any day of the week. If there wasn't a party to go to, my roommates and I would host one. Along with this partying, came alcohol.
Growing up, I have always been very quiet and reserved. I never had the guts to speak up for myself nor go against the norm. I followed all the rules. I always admired my peers who could hold conversations with one another. Something I was horrible at. Once I started drinking, I discovered alcohol turned me into this person. For years, I wanted to be outgoing and free and alcohol gave me this. After college, I moved back home, got a job and started my life. The partying continued. I was a social drinker. I never drank alone at home. The couple of times I tried, I realized it wasn't for me and it made me sad. We partied a lot. Almost every weekend. My alcohol tolerance was extremely high at this point. I could easily drink an entire bottle of Hennessy by myself. My husband and I became the party hosts. Everywhere we went, the party followed. Now don't get me wrong, we were extremely responsible and successful Monday-Friday, but the weekends were another story. I started to take on the persona of the fun drunk girl and I loved every minute of it. I was outgoing and free. Something I wanted to be since I was a little girl. We were making pretty good money so in addition to being the fun drunk girl, I got to be the one who treats everyone. I loved that even more. This continued for years. For my 25th birthday party, we rented out a VIP at a club and celebrated all night long. With the after party at a hotel nearby. The next day I felt like I was hit by a train. This was my first hangover. I recovered a day or so later and we did it again the following weekend. The hangover occurred, again. I soon realized this is the way it's going to be but it didn't stop me. We continued partying and drinking. Two years later we purchased a house. Our parties really stepped it up a notch. We moved in and the first year we had 15 parties. At least 40 people at each party. Let me just say, I'm very grateful I had understanding neighbors. At this point drinking was so deeply rooted into my personality. Friends and family knew me as the party starter, the shot girl, the outgoing dancing girl, the talkative girl who would cry or laugh with you for hours while drunk. I was very proud of these traits because this is the person I always thought I wanted to be. My instagram stories were filled with alcohol boomerangs and pictures of numerous shots lined up. My snapchat story was filled with party scenes night after night. Once Friday rolled around, everyone at work knew what my weekend consisted of. I was the girl who could outdrink any person around me and I was proud of that. This brought me happiness, or so I thought. I was battling anxiety and depression but on the weekends, the alcohol masked that and I didn't have to deal with it. I got to the point where regardless of the event, I had to be drunk in order to feel normal. Weddings, baby showers, birthdays, concerts, football games, girls day events, dinners, etc., were all enjoyed with my favorite companion, alcohol. Without it, I wasn't the person I pretended to be all these years. The worst part was I was becoming extremely forgetful. I'd attend all these events and the only way I would remember them is by looking at photos the next day. I wasn't living. I wasn't experiencing the moment. I was a zombie.
Sunday October 11th, 2020 was the last time I drank. We were at a local bar watching the Seattle vs Minnesota football game. The weekend before, we went to Miami for the Seattle VS Miami game. We arrived Saturday, October 4th, 2020. By 4pm, I was blacked out. That Sunday at the game was a rough one. My hangover was horrendous. I sat in the bleachers in, what seemed like, 100 degree weather and struggled the entire time. That whole week I felt miserable. October 11th rolled around and I couldn't let my fellow party goers down so despite still feeling sick from the weekend before, I once again got the party going and ended up paying for it with another 3 day hangover.
Two years have passed and I haven't had a sip of alcohol. I quit cold turkey and never looked back. I remember waking up the morning of Oct 12th and feeling miserable. That moment is when I decided I wanted to change myself for the better. I was angry at myself for allowing alcohol to run my life and in turn decide how I feel physically. Up until then, I was diligently working on self development, starting a business, improving my mindset, connecting spiritually to the universe, removing toxic chemicals from my household, just moving towards a generally healthier lifestyle. Why was I having such a hard time letting go of the thing that was hurting me the most? In my years of partying, I met a few people who didn't drink. Each time I was astonished by their courage to go against the norm. I used to not even be able to fathom what it was like not being drunk at social events. A lot of pride and ego was tied up into my drinking. A lot of times when I felt like a failure in life, I had this to fall back on and show people I was really good at something. Even if it was the wrong thing. Giving up alcohol meant giving up that pride. I was afraid of letting my friends down. Anytime anyone needed someone to party with, I was that friend. Without that, would they still want to hang out with me? Deep down I knew I needed to do this. I was reaching my 30's and I needed to learn how to be in social settings without the help of alcohol. I wanted to be present. To enjoy and remember every moment. I wanted to really feel all my feelings without masking them. My spiritual journey led me to this. I wanted to become completely in tune with my mind, body and spirit. I knew I couldn't do this if I continued drinking. All of these thoughts ran through my mind the morning of Oct 12th. By that evening, I officially decided to stop drinking for one month. I wanted to set a small goal to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm naturally a dedicated person. Once I set out to do something, I don't give up. In 2014, I gave up meat one day and never looked back. To this day I haven't had one bite of meat. My self development spiritual journey made me do things I have never done before. Great things. This was one of them.
One month had passed and I was going strong. During this month I attended an event or two and I was sober. It was hard. I was quiet and reserved. I reverted back to my childhood ways. But I was okay with that. It was something I wanted to work on so I knew it would be uncomfortable. At this point in my spiritual journey and in life, I was becoming a little more confident about who I am and the things I've accomplished. I felt there was no need for me to be shy and hide away. I wanted to engage with others and have meaningful conversations. Alcohol always deprived me of meaningful conversations. My friends were shocked about my decision and had many questions. They couldn't really understand where I was coming from but I was okay with that. To me it was so much deeper that I didn't need anyone's approval. I figured if my friends really love me, they'll want to hang out with me regardless. Being so successful in month one, I decided to extend it to three months. This is where it got really hard. Holidays came around and each year we threw a huge Christmas party for all of our friends and family. The only way I ever knew how to be social around them, was with the help of alcohol. But this year it meant I had to host sober. I was really dreading this. The party came and the questions continued. I'll say I had at least 15 people ask me that night "why are you not drinking" or "Just have one shot. It won't hurt". I felt like a parrot at this point. I didn't want to go in depth so I'd always brush it off and say something as simple as "I need a break from alcohol." Deep down I knew I needed way more than just a break. Peer pressure was also a factor. Despite me voicing my feelings over and over again, I still had people ask me to take one shot, drink one glass of champagne, one beer. People don't like change because they are afraid of how it is going to impact their comfort zone. This was a big change. I never got frustrated because I remember the disappointment I used to feel when I met people who didn't drink. I selfishly took it personally. I imagined this is what the people around me were feeling. The three months went by and I continued to do well. I attended a few events sober and at this point I was learning to enjoy myself. I tried hard. My goal was to have as much fun as the drunk me had. I then extended it to 6 months. After I completed my 6th month, I made the decision to do it permanently. By now, despite my friends being confused how, I was actually having fun without drinking. I was able to dance and communicate with others. For the first time, I was feeling comfortable being my real self. I didn't need to take back-to-back shots before walking into an event in order to feel normal. I was able to enjoy every moment and feel everything. Good or bad. Bad feelings were something I enjoyed as well because that gave me something to work through and help me become a better me.
October 12th, 2022 marked two years sober. It's been an amazing journey. I've researched and learned so much about alcohol that now it is hard for me to justify excessive social drinking. The fact that we as a society have normalized the use of alcohol so much, to the point where if you don't drink, you are considered not the norm, is baffling. It's sad. Giving up alcohol helped me learn so much about myself. I now see the happiness and pride I felt while drinking was superficial. I now feel proud to be the sober person in the room. I feel genuine happiness. I feel proud of the strength and courage I have developed. I feel proud of the voice I have gained. I no longer need alcohol to accompany me in order to have the best time possible. What I used to think was fun, is no longer fun. The true fun is being so present in the moment that you literally get goosebumps. The real fun is dancing and singing and meaning every single thing you do and say in that moment. It is a different type of fun but it is the best fun. I wouldn't trade it for the world. The freedom of being sober. Being fully present. Not depending on a substance in order to function at a social event. Taking back that control over my mind, body and spirit. That is true happiness. Now that I've seen how life can be lived beautifully without using alcohol as a companion, I'll never go back.
Love,
Suzana 🌻
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